My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
