I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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