I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
