Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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