A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
