Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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