I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
