I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
