I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
