I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
