So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's the barista slut.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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