I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
