I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
