Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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