FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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