I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
