I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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