Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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