You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I forget how to act sober
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
