I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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