I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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