Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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