I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
