The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
