3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
