This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
