Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Did I show you my penis last night?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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