i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I checked into jail on foursquare
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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