i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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