I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
