I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
