My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My nipple is on Facebook.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
