Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
