So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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