the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
