I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
