Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Randomize
