4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
