dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
