Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
