I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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