I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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