I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
