When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
