Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
And then he peed in my hair
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