The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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