barbara walters just said penis...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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