During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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