Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
