I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
