you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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