um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
