on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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