Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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