well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
