You just made me feel so damn special
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
