I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
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I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
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Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize