Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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