How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
